Snatch Of The Year: Part One

Snatch is back for one two nights only to look back at the past year and generally take the p*ss out of it. I’m your host, Tuffcub, and I’m wearing a special sequinned covered jacket to present this article – it’s a bit like Graham Norton’s New Years Eve show, but without Will Young and Barbara Windsor. So without further a do let’s slap a week old mince pie in the TSA Time Microwave and head back to January..

January

The world breathed a collective sigh of “Meh” when it was announced Turok 2 had been cancelled, a collective “Yay!” when Killzone got a release date, and a collective”WTF?” when Noby Noby Boy was revealed. The internet almost exploded due to the levels of innuendo generated by Noby Noby Boy, “Stretch your length and feed it to girl!” was the standard snigger inducing description. Girl likes eating length as it makes her reach new planets but so far she has yet to reach Planet Sony, home to their resident studmuffin, Kaz Harai.

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“We operate in our world” he said, confidently predicting the PS3 would beat the 360 in sales. Rumours also of GTAV by Christmas 2009, which are exactly the same rumours of as the recent ‘GTAV for E3 next year’, just offset by 7 months. For a fun party game this New Years Eve, why not start a rumour of GTAV for a random date in 2010/2011 and post it on the internet.

Elsewhere, EA announced its Home sports complex – yes, we were still vaguely interested in Home back in January – and Microsoft decided to play dirty and moved the Halo Wars release date to the day before Killzone 2 arrives. Away from gaming, Activision boss Bob Kotick dressed up in Lycra, called himself ‘Lady Gaga’ and had a massive hit with ‘Just Dance’

February

Nofi tried to hide his excitement as his heroine, Britney Spears, joined Singstar and then scampered off to meet Michael and “wear spandex dungarees and pink furry gloves” for some ‘Secret Love‘ in Home whilst TSA continued every opportunity for cock gags with “Get Your Noby Out” and finally Davs, Zuler and Gamoc wore leather chaps and little else and danced about to Kylie. OK, I admit it I made that last bit up but come on, what were you guys on in February? It’s all a bit.. pink? I didn’t arrive until the middle of the year so you can’t blame me.

Dante’s Inferno arrived from nowhere, God Of War 3 listed it’s features (more of the same) but not multiplayer and speculation of a price cut from Sony started and continued almost daily until they did actually cut the price. 96.67% of all posts on TSA start with “Speculation of PS3 Price Cut” – FACT! Meanwhile Lara Croft dumped her English mansion and headed off to the land of the rising sun as Square Enix bought Eidos. Killzone 2 finally made it to the shops and in to the sweaty palms of Nofi for a review.

March

The first of 3,454,563 Ratchet and Clank trailers appeared and cross-game chat for the PS3 was allegedly confirmed. A massive implosion of lolcats made the FIFA servers crumble and continuing the food theme, Nofi made some PSN pie. The French made the headlines by being honourable and fighting the good fight and.. oh, no sorry, got that wrong, they kidnapped some poor Sony executive who was just doing his job.

April

Details of the pleasantly useable Vidzone arrived along with PSP Go rumours which suprisingly all turned out to be true. More rumours for Gran Tourismo 5 including such silly ideas as a track editor and a PSP version which again all seem to have been correct, God of Wars 1-3 were rumoured to hit blu-ray – correct again! Uncharted 2 gets multiplayer rumour? Corrrreeect! Firmware 2.70 rumours? C-O-R-R-E-CT! Spectrum Emulator announced for the PS3? A load of utter shite! April fool!

The curtain call for doomed studio Midway was in the shape of Wheelman, reviewed by Nofi and everyone got very excited when it was announced Mr. T was coming to consoles.. er.. when exactly?  2009 will forever be known as ‘The Year Of Delays’ with many games being pushed back, or vanishing completely and April saw Codies racer “F1 2009” move back to 2010.

May

Alternate Reality game ‘XI’ in Home had a hiccup which resulted in the first ever virtual ‘angry mob’. Sony, resourceful as ever, cashed in by creating Pitchforks and Flaming torches for purchase from the Home store. OK, they did not but I wouldn’t put it past them.

Those Japanese started teasing “The Next Metal Gear” by following the ancient Japanese tradition of announcing  a game ten years before it actually arrives (ref: Final Fantasy 13). The Xbox 360 went Gay, TSA released its own song “We’re Smashing” on Singstar, Team 17 announced Alien Breed, Atari left and the PS3 lost Tony Hawk: Ride for a while. Shame we got it back. Finally, Sony lied through their teeth, ‘We currently don’t have any plans for a redesigned PS3,’ they said.

June

A picture of a cardboard box caused the interweb to meltdown when the PS3 Slim slipped on to the interweb. Sorry, what was that about “no redesign”? PS2 emulation was ‘already running’ with PS2 game downloads on the way – still waiting on that one then. The E3 arrived and TSA cried like babies. This year an awful lot of people looking slightly stupid waving their arms about, motion control had arrived. Bob Kotick announced he might stop supporting the PS3 and I would personally like to thank him for deciding to continue to support the platform and giving us classics like Tony Hawk: Ride, DJ Hero and “Guitar Hero: Bob says ‘Shove the plastic guitar up yer bum for all I care just give me your $100′”

TSA snaffled an exclusive announcement for Elite IV on 360 and PS3 and Mirrors Edge got a sequel. Oops. Meanwhile, the Metal Gear Teaser site got sunny and the internet went in to meltdown. Little things please little minds..

Part Two tomorrow.. (and yes, I am sat writing for TSA at 8 minutes to midnight – Happy New Year!)

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