Snatch Of The Year: Part One
Au Revior 2009, you've been fun.Published 31/12/2009 at 23:52 by Tuffcub
Veronica Belmont Not Leaving Qore [33]
News Snatch: No Blu-Ray For Xbox [17]
News Snatch: Crystal Balls [29]
Snatch is back for one two nights only to look back at the past year and generally take the p*ss out of it. I’m your host, Tuffcub, and I’m wearing a special sequinned covered jacket to present this article – it’s a bit like Graham Norton’s New Years Eve show, but without Will Young and Barbara Windsor. So without further a do let’s slap a week old mince pie in the TSA Time Microwave and head back to January..
January
The world breathed a collective sigh of “Meh” when it was announced Turok 2 had been cancelled, a collective “Yay!” when Killzone got a release date, and a collective”WTF?” when Noby Noby Boy was revealed. The internet almost exploded due to the levels of innuendo generated by Noby Noby Boy, “Stretch your length and feed it to girl!” was the standard snigger inducing description. Girl likes eating length as it makes her reach new planets but so far she has yet to reach Planet Sony, home to their resident studmuffin, Kaz Harai.
“We operate in our world” he said, confidently predicting the PS3 would beat the 360 in sales. Rumours also of GTAV by Christmas 2009, which are exactly the same rumours of as the recent ‘GTAV for E3 next year’, just offset by 7 months. For a fun party game this New Years Eve, why not start a rumour of GTAV for a random date in 2010/2011 and post it on the internet.
Elsewhere, EA announced its Home sports complex – yes, we were still vaguely interested in Home back in January – and Microsoft decided to play dirty and moved the Halo Wars release date to the day before Killzone 2 arrives. Away from gaming, Activision boss Bob Kotick dressed up in Lycra, called himself ’Lady Gaga’ and had a massive hit with ‘Just Dance’
February
Nofi tried to hide his excitement as his heroine, Britney Spears, joined Singstar and then scampered off to meet Michael and “wear spandex dungarees and pink furry gloves” for some ‘Secret Love‘ in Home whilst TSA continued every opportunity for cock gags with “Get Your Noby Out” and finally Davs, Zuler and Gamoc wore leather chaps and little else and danced about to Kylie. OK, I admit it I made that last bit up but come on, what were you guys on in February? It’s all a bit.. pink? I didn’t arrive until the middle of the year so you can’t blame me.
Dante’s Inferno arrived from nowhere, God Of War 3 listed it’s features (more of the same) but not multiplayer and speculation of a price cut from Sony started and continued almost daily until they did actually cut the price. 96.67% of all posts on TSA start with “Speculation of PS3 Price Cut” – FACT! Meanwhile Lara Croft dumped her English mansion and headed off to the land of the rising sun as Square Enix bought Eidos. Killzone 2 finally made it to the shops and in to the sweaty palms of Nofi for a review.
March
The first of 3,454,563 Ratchet and Clank trailers appeared and cross-game chat for the PS3 was allegedly confirmed. A massive implosion of lolcats made the FIFA servers crumble and continuing the food theme, Nofi made some PSN pie. The French made the headlines by being honourable and fighting the good fight and.. oh, no sorry, got that wrong, they kidnapped some poor Sony executive who was just doing his job.
April
Details of the pleasantly useable Vidzone arrived along with PSP Go rumours which suprisingly all turned out to be true. More rumours for Gran Tourismo 5 including such silly ideas as a track editor and a PSP version which again all seem to have been correct, God of Wars 1-3 were rumoured to hit blu-ray – correct again! Uncharted 2 gets multiplayer rumour? Corrrreeect! Firmware 2.70 rumours? C-O-R-R-E-CT! Spectrum Emulator announced for the PS3? A load of utter shite! April fool!
The curtain call for doomed studio Midway was in the shape of Wheelman, reviewed by Nofi and everyone got very excited when it was announced Mr. T was coming to consoles.. er.. when exactly? 2009 will forever be known as ‘The Year Of Delays’ with many games being pushed back, or vanishing completely and April saw Codies racer “F1 2009″ move back to 2010.
May
Alternate Reality game ‘XI’ in Home had a hiccup which resulted in the first ever virtual ‘angry mob’. Sony, resourceful as ever, cashed in by creating Pitchforks and Flaming torches for purchase from the Home store. OK, they did not but I wouldn’t put it past them.
Those Japanese started teasing “The Next Metal Gear” by following the ancient Japanese tradition of announcing a game ten years before it actually arrives (ref: Final Fantasy 13). The Xbox 360 went Gay, TSA released its own song “We’re Smashing” on Singstar, Team 17 announced Alien Breed, Atari left and the PS3 lost Tony Hawk: Ride for a while. Shame we got it back. Finally, Sony lied through their teeth, ‘We currently don’t have any plans for a redesigned PS3,’ they said.
June
A picture of a cardboard box caused the interweb to meltdown when the PS3 Slim slipped on to the interweb. Sorry, what was that about “no redesign”? PS2 emulation was ‘already running’ with PS2 game downloads on the way - still waiting on that one then. The E3 arrived and TSA cried like babies. This year an awful lot of people looking slightly stupid waving their arms about, motion control had arrived. Bob Kotick announced he might stop supporting the PS3 and I would personally like to thank him for deciding to continue to support the platform and giving us classics like Tony Hawk: Ride, DJ Hero and “Guitar Hero: Bob says ‘Shove the plastic guitar up yer bum for all I care just give me your $100′”
TSA snaffled an exclusive announcement for Elite IV on 360 and PS3 and Mirrors Edge got a sequel. Oops. Meanwhile, the Metal Gear Teaser site got sunny and the internet went in to meltdown. Little things please little minds..
Part Two tomorrow.. (and yes, I am sat writing for TSA at 8 minutes to midnight – Happy New Year!)
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
DRCD1 | 31/12/2009 23:58
Member
914 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
3 minutes to midnight, and I’d like to leave this year wishing happy new year to all TSAians, so.. HAPPY NEW YEAR
TheShepanator | 01/01/2010 00:08
Member
561 TSA Points | Member since: Nov 2009
Love you TSA!! This year has been great thanks to you! Ok, perhaps a bit over the top!
carlosfilippsen | 01/01/2010 00:09
Member
1316 TSA Points | Member since: Mar 2009
2009 has really been a great year and 2010 will be even better!
Happy new year all!
DRCD1 | 01/01/2010 00:30
Member
914 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Ok I had read the part about January and then I went to celebrate our passage to this decade. Now I see how great this first part of the year has been. I am eagerly waiting for the last few months and your retrospective look at them, tuffcub.
MUKARKAR | 01/01/2010 00:31
Member
1222 TSA Points | Member since: Nov 2009
working over time, TSA hard working ass.
bunimomike | 01/01/2010 01:20
Member
4791 TSA Points | Member since: Jul 2009
I’ve just read (for the first time) the TSA Cried Like Babies article. I found myself reading it faster and faster. Getting caught up in the enthusiasm and energy. Very amusing. However, line of the transcript goes to….
[21:08:33] colossalblue: I have to go and try to write all that shit up now…
Oh, by the way, TC… top article yourself, fella.
BoyDay | 01/01/2010 01:21
Member
902 TSA Points | Member since: Oct 2008
I’d expected a whole different kind of article when I clicked on “snatch of the year”!
ShovellyJoe | 01/01/2010 01:29
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1202 TSA Points | Member since: Oct 2008
Easy now!
canesbennett88 | 01/01/2010 03:19
Member
118 TSA Points | Member since: Jul 2009
lol
mads2194 | 01/01/2010 01:26
Member
368 TSA Points | Member since: Aug 2009
Wow, cool round-up. Good job TSA!
Michael | 01/01/2010 02:20
Team TSA: Development
2216 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Must remember the permanence of the things I write…
xzero1299-PR | 01/01/2010 08:42
Member
3286 TSA Points | Member since: Oct 2008
happy new year guys
Dexter17 | 01/01/2010 08:58
Member
3274 TSA Points | Member since: Jun 2009
Great snatch TC, and I’ll look forward to the one today.
However, in the meantime, Happy New Year Everyone!
Zuler | 01/01/2010 12:07
Team TSA: Writer
10499 TSA Points | Member since: Apr 2009
I only actually joined TSA in April, thus why you never saw me in February
citizeninsane45 | 01/01/2010 14:05
Member
898 TSA Points | Member since: Oct 2008
Great article Tuffcub. Look forward to part 2
SYY2127 | 01/01/2010 17:47
Member
578 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
That was a great recap!
upselo | 01/01/2010 18:32
Member
377 TSA Points | Member since: Aug 2009
For all the typos I make in English, I have to point out the one you made in the subtitle : it’s “Au revoir” not “Au revior”.
Great article anyway !